Do you remember that song?
We used to sing it on car trips as kids. I wonder, now as an adult, why it was okay for us to sing about all that beer? I guess back then we had alcohol & tobacco commercials on t.v. anyway, so our parents didn't think anything of it. I think if my kids starting singing about lots of beer tomorrow, I'd freak out a bit.
Well, anyway, the point was I feel like I've been living that song...without the beer part. I am going back to work, begrudgingly, in exactly 6 days. And every day since the end of June I have heard some version of that or similar mantra in my head. 99 days until I go back to work, 99 days left.......take this day, do what you can, 98 days left until I go back to work. Other days I envision I'm on death row, counting down the days until my execution or in my case, until I start working.
Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not being overly dramatic. These are just the mixed feelings running through me. I'm certainly not being "forced" to return to work - my dear husband would just as soon me stay home & "be patient", things will work out. You see, we are a product of the economic troubles our nation is facing. We are both college educated, responsible adults with that all American entrepreneurial spirit who became self-employed 7 years ago. That was great until 3 years ago when the economy begin its decline. My husband's business is dependent upon people needing things & when the economy declines people are much less prone to part with their money for services. So we waited.......and waited.....we had faith......and then the economy got worse & worse. We've gone through our savings......most of our retirement...........all the while my husband unsuccessfully tried to find a job or get new customers for his own business. Well by this time my oldest was in 1st grade & my youngest began preschool & I felt it my duty to contribute in some way. Oh I started couponing, had garage sales, did whatever I could to earn a few dollars here & there. But eventually that wasn't enough. We needed some kind of regular income, even if just a little. So after thoughtful prayer & telling everyone I knew about my job search, I was very blessed to have a small part-time job offered to me through my children's school. After my husband & I discussed it (he was opposed but I think out of pride at first)....and discussed it...........and eventually I accepted the job with dear husband's blessing.
Now that we got over that hurdle the reality hit me. I was going back to work. It has been over 8 years since I worked outside our home. At first it seemed so far off....after summer & when school begins again. But then I started the "countdown"....the dreaded "countdown". And here we are....6 days away from the beginning. I have to admit, part of me wants to burst into tears & run away; part of me is excited for the possibilities it brings. But mostly I am just dazed & confused. I don't know what to feel or what to do; I find myself running in circles, not accomplishing much, being short with my children & irritable with my husband. I want to do it all - not because I want to be seen as "Super Woman" by any means...but because I am so afraid of dropping the ball & being THAT Mom. The one others know they can never count on because she forgets all the commitments, shows up 45 minutes late to a party & forgets the cupcakes, always turns in orders late, doesn't remember it's spirit day at school so her children don't have the right clothes on, always runs in huffing & puffing because it was "one of THOSE mornings". And it's not even that I care what others think; it's that I feel like I will not like who I am if I get there.
Well, check back before I start next week and see how I'm doing. Hopefully I haven't completely fallen off the deep end by then!
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