Bye-Bye 2010....Happy New Year

Well, the end of the year is at hand.
As always, it brings up nostalgic thoughts. Assessments. Decisions. Planning.
I can't say I'm not happy to see 2010 go BUT at the same time, it means my babies are another year older that I don't want to accept and I don't want to look forward to Kindergarten for my youngest and the loss of those stay-at-home, play-with-your-little-ones years. That's a very sad part for me and I yearn for it already.
Ok...moving on! I will very soon be bawling if I don't move on.

2010 brought us:
-move from Tiger cub scout to Wolf cub scout
-5 day per week preschool
-Matthew's loss of training wheels
-Patrick's first bike
-our lowest point economically to date
-I taught my firsts VBS
-our family's road trip to D.C.
-I began first job in 8 years
-couponing entered our lives!
-closer to God
-I taught my first baptism class
-began a Family Ministry at church
-Led a book discussion group for parents at school
-substituted for the first time!
-grew closer with my husband
-became experienced campers

What will 2011 bring?
Here are my hopes:
-Matthew will learn to tie his shoes
-Matthew's 1st reconciliation & 1st holy communion
-regular confession for 3 out of 4 in our family
-Lenten celebration for the Family Ministry & an even better Advent celebration
-Job/salary shift in the UP position for me at school!
-regular work for hubby
-continued downsizing of "things" in our lives (presents, importance placed on things, etc.)
-financial improvement/security
-good health
-a handle on household cleaning, organizing, decluttering
-improved planning for holidays/birthdays/celebrations
-more crafting/sewing
-improved skills at work
-improved patience & skills as a parent
-marriage encounter
-better meal planning/cooking ahead

God please grant us peace, patience, guidance, understanding throughout this upcoming year. Please bless us with health, safety & please help us make enough money to pay our bills, stay in our home & remain at our school. Please help us keep you in the center of our home & family at all times. May all the angels, saints & our dearly departed please pray for us. Amen.

Life Lesson #5

Life Lesson #5

Time is a gift.
Use it or lose it, but it's a gift with an expiration date.
If I spend all my time in a hurried frenzy trying to achieve some ridiculous ideal or recapture something I used to do (or be....or look like), then that gift of time is going to be expiring sitting on the shelf.
The gift of time is right now. this moment. today. this Christmas. this weekend. this vacation. this year. It's all of it.
Working for a school I get the 2 weeks of Christmas vacation off, just like my kids.
I spent the first week of that vacation shuffling crap from one room to another, cleaning, overthinking, worrying about cards to mail, gifts to buy, money to budget, wrapping, errands, hustling about. I wasted. I lost. I missed that whole week. I didn't do the things I had really wanted to do.
What an idiot.
I made the most common blunder of all.
Not seeing the forest through the trees.
I was so busy doing what I thought was preparing for the season that I missed that whole week OF the season.
Now I'm kicking myself & licking my wounds.

Time is a gift.
Don't forget it.
That's my Life Lesson this week.
Time is a gift

Lesson #4......and Thanksgiving

Life Lesson #4 (it's been a while since I posted #3, hasn't it?). Hmmm, maybe I'm actually listing to lesson #3 about being one person, huh? Can only get so much done.

Anyway, back to Lesson #4.

I love my family.

Yes, that's it. That's the lesson. What? Crazy lady didn't already KNOW she loved her family? Well of course I did, silly.

But hear me out.

I love my family. True, honest-to-goodness, wholeheartedly love them.
The whole kit and kaboodle: husband and children.

I need to show it in more ways.
We say plenty of "I love you's" around here. More than most people, I'd wager.
We hug. We hold hands. We mean it - really we do.
But I remember reading once that different personality types actually perceive love through different actions and give love in different methods.
I say it. I fuss over those I love. I worry. I fret. I tend to them. I cook, create, prepare things, do things with love that I think they will perceive as love.
I realize now, they may not.
Oh I have no question that my family knows I love them. But I want to reach outside my comfort zone and do things differently to strengthen those bonds....especially with my boys.
I want them to think back with love & fond memories on their childhood vs. thinking "Mom was always worrying & fussing over us".
So my lesson for today is: I love my family and I want to savor every moment with them and show them my love in a million ways, but especially in the ways that will mean the most to them.

I suppose Thanksgiving brought this all on.
And coming to the close of a year of particular growth and challenge.
Time goes too fast. I don't want regrets...especially where it comes to my family

Lesson #3

Lesson #3

I am only one person. Period.

I cannot be all things to all people.

Something has got to go. I cannot maintain sanity & continue trying to meet all the expectations (including mine).

I am only one person. End of story.

Lesson #2...

Life Lesson #2

Stuff is not love.
Stuff is just stuff.
That "to-die-for" new comforter, bowl, Very Bradley purse, sweater, bracelet, etc. is not going to fill the hole you have inside.
Only love can do that.
"Stuff" blocks the hole from being filled.....it's not even a band-aid, it's like putting mayonnaise on a cut. Sure, it might keep the dirt out of the cut for a little while, but it's not going to heal it & most likely you are going to get an infection on top of it.

Stuff is not love.
Stuff is just....stuff.

A part of me does miss the days when I felt free to buy what I wanted when I wanted it. But to be honest, being on a tight financial leash "frees" me in other ways. It frees me from the clutches of "stuff".
I have to really, REALLY want, need & justify buying "stuff" since money is so tight.
I have to justify....do I need that enough to give up something else?
And "what" else am I going to give up?

Stuff is not love.
Stuff is just stuff.

Life Lessons...............Lesson #1

These are lessons for ME. If they help you, well that's great. But this is me, learning life lessons ;)

Lesson #1

Things are pretty much going to stay where I put them. So how about making an effort to put them either A.) where they belong or B.) in a sensible place. It doesn't have to be a big deal. But let's face it. I'm never going to have "more time" or "extra time" - that's a big lie. So let's try to make a tiny bit more effort, k?

I have walked over 3 nerf guns (given to my boys by a good friend whose own kids have outgrown them)for 3-4 months. I am not kidding. They have been laying on the floor in the laundry room - which is the kind that you come in from the garage through and it's our primary entrance into our house. Do you know how ridiculous it is that we've all just allowed the walkway to be cut in half due to the nerf guns laying there? Isn't that insane? Well no more. I am finally learning my life lesson.

Real

I am being real.

Really, really real.

I am exhausted. I feel like I'm constantly failing my job as a Mom/Wife.
I feel like I'm not as gracious or grateful as I should be at work.

I feel like I'm always 3 steps away from tears falling.

I feel like I'm letting someone down. Always. Often God. A lot of times me too.

I feel the need to make excuses for my messy and dirty house. The excuses often involve lies.

I feel frustrated when my husband wants a little "us" time......it's one more thing I'm expected to do and I'm already behind in 90% of what is expected of me.

I feel resentful that no one else in my house (i.e., my husband) is doing all that much to clean, pick up, take care of bills, errands and am left scratching my head at how it became all my responsibility and why I continue to allow it to be and why I harbor such guilt about NOT getting it done.

I feel like a hypocrite because I'm not taking the time I desperately need to pray, give thanks, accept things with grace or work on my relationship with God.

I am short-tempered, impatient, allowing words to leave my mouth without thinking.

I feel fat even though I've lost almost 40 lbs this year. I know that's my self esteem showing.

I miss my friends and just hanging out with them when I was a SAHM.

I realize now how much time I frittered away when I was that SAHM ! Oh my - time wasted!!!!

I need to make changes and I don't feel like I know how to or what to change. I feel like it is ONE more "to do" on my list. So making changes for the better has now become one more thing I have to squeeze in, that I won't and that I'll feel guilty and inadequate for not doing.

Do you see a pattern?

This is the life of a Full Time Working Mother.

I can be the poster child.......not in a positive sense.

So you have now become my outlet, oh Blogspot, you. My therapist. My much cheaper therapist.

Wish me luck.

Plugging along .....and all things fall-ish

Hi. Well, I have hit the 6 week mark of working. In the past 3 weeks, I have gone from part-time to full-time.....thanks to the awesome Principal I work for. It's been a big adjustment BUT, really just for me!

All those things people say about the resiliency of children is true! We just don't necessarily experience it until the going gets tough & the tough get going! I am shocked & astounded how well my children have adjusted to:
a.) getting up earlier & out the door
b.) being more independent getting ready in the morning
c.) being in aftercare at school (I do work AT the school, so it's not like they are in a strange place...but still)
d.) a longer day
e.) a more tired Mommy
f.) doing errands after we leave the school at 4:00

Believe me, on a daily basis I have my jaw hanging open regarding this. "f" in particular....my children LOATHE errands. They absolutely detest shopping of any kind (except for Toys-R-Us, of course) and prior to returning to work if I drove a different route home, suddenly they would use their "suspicious" voice and with fear in their eyes ask "why are we going this way?" or "we're going STRAIGHT home, right?". But my kids have risen to the challenge and have sucked it up and understood that I don't really want to go anywhere either, but we need groceries or gas or whatever we need that day.

We're still working on the "helping out with housework". I'm not declaring them perfect yet! LOL. My husband, has suprisingly, been one to step up and pitch in more with house work and that warms my heart. It's not that he's doing anything "above & beyond" but after 16 yrs of marriage I know where my husband's strengths lie and I know how he shows love & I know what conveys love to me. Domestic, he is not. He does like to cook or clean and I always say that if he was a single bachelor forever, he'd weigh 96 lbs. & live in a hovel. He's not a slob but he's not naturally inclined to clean ;) Maybe that's the same thing but I'm not going there. After you are married for a long time you know who they are and you love them FOR those things, not in spite of them. Anyway, his making the effort to unload & reload the dishwasher, do laundry, clean up the dishes....that conveys to me that he understands I can't carry the load alone. Before I was working I would have said "you don't have to do that" or "no, it's okay". So me letting him help is a big thing too. I have said several times, going through tough times teaches you a lot. About both yourself and others. It strengthens too, if you let it.

Now on to Fall! I love fall. I miss fall. We don't exactly have "fall" in this part of the country. At least not the fall of my childhood. Growing up in Western N.Y., fall meant back to school (first Tuesday after Labor Day!), picking apples, jumping in piles of leaves, crisp morning air by mid-September, blustery days, gathering the horse chestnuts that fell from the trees on our street into bushels (why, I don't know, other than they were beautiful & shiny), shopping at Ski Mart for a new winter coat and boots, windows open, the small town Labor Day fair (I SO miss that), dreaming of Christmas & snow. Very little of that life from my childhood exists where I live today. But my memories are rich and warm and I can wrap up in them & smile. But I still love fall.....I have started to pull out my fall decor in the house and put out my Yankee Candle "fall festival" scented candles to bring in the mood. I want to organize, clean out the house, declutter, plan for Christmas and have cool weather. Of course, standing in the car line, directing traffic in 95 degrees doesn't feel like fall to me....but in my mind it is 65 with a breeze and I'm wearing a sweater and jeans and it's all good. ;)

This Ride is Getting Bumpy...

Hold on to your hats........it's going to be a VERY bumpy ride!

That's the best analogy I could come up with - sorry ;)

In a 24 hour time period, my "back-to-work" life went from part-time to full-time. This happened with the grace of God, the prayers of a family, the Christ-filled heart of a Principal, and the willingness to ask for help.

I am so grateful for God's presence in my life and for my faith in Him, even though at times it falls short.

It is going to be a BIG adjustment....I know I said that before, when I started part-time. But now those free mornings that I used for housework, errands & recharging my batteries are G.O.N.E. I'm certainly not the 1st person to go through this and I know I won't be the last. God brought me this far, I know he's not going to let me sink. I have to keep my eyes on the prize (Jesus).

I also did what I often DON'T do. I asked for help. From God, from my Principal, from my friends. And the funniest thing happened. They all offered to help me unconditionally....right off the bat. I am touched and blessed by those around me. I had one friend immediately say she will plan to pick up my preschooler every Monday and take him to play with her son (who is in his class & his best buddy) and then drop him off to me when I'm finishing work, thus saving us the cost of one day's child care and doing what I would have done on Monday's with him and our friends. She is Christ embodied.

Thank you, Jesus. For EVERYTHING.

The "Almost" Mid-Week Slump...

Really? It's only Tuesday morning for Pete's sake!

But last week was a BIG week.....back to school & long, tiring days. I suppose I should give them a break. I for one needed one, so how can I not understand they need one too.

Yesterday was my first "official" day off during the week. My regular schedule, which began this week, allows me Mondays off and I had a mental list about a mile long of what to do. Then I met 3 great friends for coffee at 8:00 and this acceptance came over me.

I need the day off. It's not playing hookey.....it's therapeutic. My cup needed a refill. My batteries needed recharging.

So I literally spent the entire school day with these dear friends - we all dropped off our kids at 7:45. We all met up at Starbucks for coffee at 8:00. We all left at 10:45 to go pick up our preschoolers. We all took our preschoolers over to Chik-fil-a to play & have lunch since it was raining (the park was our plan but the weather didn't cooperate). We let the kids play in the indoor playcenter - eat lunch - return to playing....until 2:30 when we all left to pick up our elementary schoolers. I haven't had so much girlfriend time in months....maybe even a year? I don't have a clue when.

But the point is, that I needed a break. I needed to have the day off from my usual self-inflicted list of unachievable goals. My children do to - they may get that "break" in another way & they should, like an understanding parent when they are tired, extra hugs, game time when we get home, etc.

I want to balance the "c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, hurry up" with "I understand" & "it's okay, we'll work together".

Now I have to savor my coffee and get a few things done around here before it's my turn to get ready & out the door.

Flying High.....and Coming In For a Landing

Well, it's been a few weeks now and I hesitate to say.....I am knocking on wood & IF I had a lucky rabbit's foot, I'd be rubbing it now......but it has not been too bad! That's really a good thing but I also know I'm in the "honeymoon" phase of work, I gush over it.....just love whom I work for & their philosophies...feel needed/wanted/appreciated. I'm in love (with my workplace, that is).

My family has been awesome - thank you, Jesus - this transition could have been awful, tearful, stressful, hairpulling. But my husband & kids have taken it all in stride. The past few weeks were all the preliminary stuff....prep work & organizing and my days have been very busy. I'm hoping that now that we are in a regular routine and the kids have started back to school, that my days will fall into a speed one notch down from where I've been. I LOVE to be busy - I've learned that about myself over the years. Relaxing & doing nothing always sounds divine but I realize if I have down time like that, I tend to fill it up and learned that having "projects" makes me feel like I'm accomplishing things & therefore makes me feel productive & happy. But the past few weeks have been SO busy for me that my house looks like a bomb went off in it, followed by a tornado passing through it. It's bad. And that makes me feel stressed, uneasy & scattered. So coming home after a full day of work is not the calming thing it should be.....hoping this week will allow for a little TLC to my house :D

The Easy Week is Over & Sew What....

The dreaded "first week" is over. Guess what? It wasn't so dreadful after all. They usually aren't.

Next week will be my "bootcamp" week......5 full days that include dropping & picking up the kiddos at a sitter's house. If I am able to string a complete sentence together by the week's end, it will be a miracle.

Today I continued my quest to pinch pennys by making a faux roman shade for my home office (AKA Command Central). I have wanted to do this for some time & I always seemed to have a good procrastinating excuse; I have tried one or two times unsuccessfully to make a similar project. But this time I'm relying on the Thrifty Decor Chick, a wonderful blogger who insisted this was "Sew Simple". My first attempt was off....somehow....not sure what exactly I did wrong. But after a few hours of living with it and trying to tell myself it looked "fine", I HAD to tweak it....flying by the seat of my pants. After all that, you know what? I like it! Success! And the cost......Nada......well, at one time it cost me something but today zero dollars and zero cents. I had the rod, had the fabric, thread, etc.

My next project will be to make the same faux roman shades for the breakfast room....but first I need to decide on the fabric & do a little looking at the first set from the OUTSIDE; I need to see what someone else sees from the backside since the breakfast room windows open up to the much used patio. ;)

I love sewing. It is so peaceful...even when I mess up. There is just something calm about it and I'm glad I had the afternoon to do it.

What do I not love? Wasps. Wasps that chase me down & sting me in particular. Well to their defense I did poke their nest. Don't ask me why. Seriously. Apparently I momentarily thought I was smarter than a wasp. I was just outside picking limes from my tree when I noticed several wasps working on a nest in the lime tree...right near where I just picked limes. I had this brilliant idea I could just knock the nest out of my lime tree & they'd be confused & all "hey, where did the nest go? Huh? Weird.". But guess what? They weren't confused, they were pissed. As in "Oh no you d'int! This is SO not cool, dude" and inflicted 2 nasty stings on me before I ran away like a cartoon character waving my arms & screaming. I learned a thing or two about wasps today....like, don't poke a nest & did you know, they can sting you over and over and over and it doesn't bother them at all? Did you know the other wasps "smell" the venom & it's like a signal for them to sting you too.

So this is tired, swollen Momma signing off!

Thoughts on First Days.....and Second Days...

So the first day of work came & went & I didn't even blog about it! Maybe I was just too exhausted! I think I worked myself up so much beforehand that by the time I finished, picked up the kids, came home, made dinner & got the crew to bed....there wasn't much left in me.

It wasn't as hard as I'd expected.

I'm VERY blessed. It is a GREAT place to work. It is warm, encouraging, understanding, supportive of "family first" and enthusiastic. HUGE pluses.

Today was my second day but it was spent in one of those "mandatory" new hire trainings that last ALL DAY and I had to drive an hour to get there. So maybe not as much of a high note as yesterday - but grateful you only need to do those trainings one time :D Tomorrow & the following day I have more trainings but my lovely employer gave me off on Friday to rest & recover for next week.

I feel the blood returning to all the parts of my body it rushed out of. Not as much to worry about as I thought; but...I am, after all, a worrier. That's my nature. I feel braver, more confident, more certain of these decisions and happier now that the week has begun.

Still have to build up the "work" stamina. My dear husband said tonight "I have trouble feel bad about how achy or tired you are from SITTING all day". Well har-de-har-har. I wasn't looking for sympathy - just commenting how it was hard to sit in uncomfortable chairs for 8 hours! You know, Moms MOVE a lot! There is no SITTING & eating BON-BONS...no matter what he likes to think has been going on while I was a stay-at-home Mom ;) Sitting very still doesn't happen much with kids at home. Gratefully I won't be just sitting when my job falls into place over the next few weeks.

But I am NOT complaining.....feeling achy reminds me I am alive!

First Day Jitters...

It's not quite the "first day" yet....that's tomorrow.

But I have jitters. Butterflies. Whatever you want to call it. I think it's more of that uncertainty & questioning whether or not I'm doing the right thing. Oh, I know I am.....my family needs this, but it's a big change. I don't think I let myself think about how big of a change it was going to be. But my husband has taken it upon himself to let our children know how BIG of a deal it was that "Mommy is going back to work". It was his way of helping the kids understand & appreciate this sacrifice.

The only thing is.....it sort of hit me smack in the face as I overheard him talking....it IS a big change and it is going to take a LOT of adjustment on all our parts. No shocker there ;) It's just that in my Sally Sunshine state of mind I was not letting myself deal with that reality. Oh, my Rachel Rational side totally knows we can handle it & we'll be fine after an adjustment period (don't you love how I name my different sides!); it's just that sometimes I like to think (maybe I should say "pretend" because it's not reality) that I've got it all under control all the time and that the road will be smooth just because I say so. Ha! That's when I need a slap of reality to remind me it's N-O-R-M-A-L to NOT have it all together & to need help & to have bad days & to have bumpy roads. Well that's me - Normal ;)

Kindness...

A friend gave my husband & I a night out tonight.

What a much appreciated act of kindness. She just had major surgery 1 month ago & while the kids & I visited her a few weeks ago she offered to babysit sometime. She really adores children & hers are now teens and she sincerely enjoys mine. So we hesitantly said "ok"; no hesitation about leaving the kids with her but rather concern that she wasn't feeling up to it yet. But she insisted & my husband and I HAVE only been out on a date once so far in 2010....for our anniversary in March.

I was glad to see her bring her daughter with her tonight....just an added measure in case she did over do it, which she did not. She just radiates around children; no, she is radiant ALL the time. I am honored to have her as a friend and to receive her kindness and goodness and time.

Kindness is highly underrated in life. People talk about lots of "important" things in life but an act of true kindness is often not appreciated enough. We all need to remember that a tiny effort on our part, something that may not even seem that significant to us can mean the world to someone else. I know I'm just talking about babysitting tonight & not someone giving me an organ; but again, you don't know what that babysitting might mean to me. It might not be an issue to you. You may think nothing of calling up your parents to babysit or your niece or the teen next door and pay them $10/hour. None of those scenarios are option for me. No "woe is me" but just a point; be kind to others, it doesn't have to cost you anything but it can be worth a million to someone else.

99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall....

Do you remember that song?

We used to sing it on car trips as kids. I wonder, now as an adult, why it was okay for us to sing about all that beer? I guess back then we had alcohol & tobacco commercials on t.v. anyway, so our parents didn't think anything of it. I think if my kids starting singing about lots of beer tomorrow, I'd freak out a bit.

Well, anyway, the point was I feel like I've been living that song...without the beer part. I am going back to work, begrudgingly, in exactly 6 days. And every day since the end of June I have heard some version of that or similar mantra in my head. 99 days until I go back to work, 99 days left.......take this day, do what you can, 98 days left until I go back to work. Other days I envision I'm on death row, counting down the days until my execution or in my case, until I start working.

Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not being overly dramatic. These are just the mixed feelings running through me. I'm certainly not being "forced" to return to work - my dear husband would just as soon me stay home & "be patient", things will work out. You see, we are a product of the economic troubles our nation is facing. We are both college educated, responsible adults with that all American entrepreneurial spirit who became self-employed 7 years ago. That was great until 3 years ago when the economy begin its decline. My husband's business is dependent upon people needing things & when the economy declines people are much less prone to part with their money for services. So we waited.......and waited.....we had faith......and then the economy got worse & worse. We've gone through our savings......most of our retirement...........all the while my husband unsuccessfully tried to find a job or get new customers for his own business. Well by this time my oldest was in 1st grade & my youngest began preschool & I felt it my duty to contribute in some way. Oh I started couponing, had garage sales, did whatever I could to earn a few dollars here & there. But eventually that wasn't enough. We needed some kind of regular income, even if just a little. So after thoughtful prayer & telling everyone I knew about my job search, I was very blessed to have a small part-time job offered to me through my children's school. After my husband & I discussed it (he was opposed but I think out of pride at first)....and discussed it...........and eventually I accepted the job with dear husband's blessing.

Now that we got over that hurdle the reality hit me. I was going back to work. It has been over 8 years since I worked outside our home. At first it seemed so far off....after summer & when school begins again. But then I started the "countdown"....the dreaded "countdown". And here we are....6 days away from the beginning. I have to admit, part of me wants to burst into tears & run away; part of me is excited for the possibilities it brings. But mostly I am just dazed & confused. I don't know what to feel or what to do; I find myself running in circles, not accomplishing much, being short with my children & irritable with my husband. I want to do it all - not because I want to be seen as "Super Woman" by any means...but because I am so afraid of dropping the ball & being THAT Mom. The one others know they can never count on because she forgets all the commitments, shows up 45 minutes late to a party & forgets the cupcakes, always turns in orders late, doesn't remember it's spirit day at school so her children don't have the right clothes on, always runs in huffing & puffing because it was "one of THOSE mornings". And it's not even that I care what others think; it's that I feel like I will not like who I am if I get there.

Well, check back before I start next week and see how I'm doing. Hopefully I haven't completely fallen off the deep end by then!